Coronavirus! Coronavirus! Can any of you read this without hearing Cardi B in your heads?! This ish is seriously going down around here and the “Q” word is on the horizon: QUARANTINE!!! Have you properly stocked up on toilet paper? Do you have enough canned goods to get you through? Have you upgraded your cable properly for quarantined binging? Did you get your hair and nails done so that you don’t look like a rabid mountain woman? Are you ok with gaining the inevitable Quarantine 10 that comes with the onslaught of laziness and snacking? Most importantly, have you stocked your bar accordingly?!
If ever there was a time to stock up on alcohol it is now. Seriously. There are mountains of frustration and stupidity ahead (unless you’re a card-carrying Medical Marijuana user) and as we assemble our respective Quaranteams I think you’ll find that the MVP is always going to be alcohol. Things in the Magic City are still pretty tame at the moment but with what we’ve seen in New York, Los Angeles and Seattle I think it’s never too early to prepare. With that being said, let’s take a little hypothetical journey into the future to prepare for what beverages lie ahead.
When the quarantine starts, you’re going to be full of hope and determination. Your kids are totally going to complete all their home school assignments, and nobody is going to accomplish more while working remotely than you! Maybe a little glass of wine at night or a beer when the kids go down will be enough. This should most likely get you through the first 3-4 days of quarantine, a phase I like to call “Field of Dreams”. You still think you’ve got this. Que cute.
Around day 5 you realize you may need to bring in something a little stronger. This is when our old friend Vodka makes an appearance. Good old Vodka mixes so well with just about anything and leaves nary a trace of alcohol on your lips You’re really taking that kid whining edge off while drinking away that last ridiculous WebEx from work. If you’re not into Vodka this may be when you start up with higher proof beers. Whatever gets you through phase two, “Breakin’ Two, Electric Boogaloo”.
Now it’s been around 10 days with your family and this unintentional Quaranteam are making you nuts! It’s possibly not just you and your immediate family now but also maybe your impossible cousin or worse, your mother/mother in law! This is when you invoke “Stella Gets Her Groove Back” and make a hard move to rum. Rum and Coke! Pina Coladas! Daiquiris! Mojitos! Anything you can drink with an umbrella or a piece of fruit to help you forget that these imbeciles are all up in your space. All. Damn. Day. Calgon take me away!!
By the two week mark, you’ve made a hard turn to whiskey and bourbon and entered your own personal “Crying Game”. You’ve stopped feeling guilty about the complete lack of attention you’ve given to work and you’re also confident the children are going to have to be IG influencers or sell essential oils online because none of them are getting it done. The beautiful part about whiskey is it can be added to coffee with a little simple syrup and voila! You’re drinking an Irish Coffee at 9 am! You think you’re beating the system but let’s be real, your immune system is just about shot. The luck of the Irish is not with you.
This brings me to the third week of quarantine when you’ve pretty much given up and are blatantly drinking Tequila shots throughout the day. Remember, Tequila comes with limes and that extra vitamin C is just what you need to get you through while also preventing Scurvy! At this point, you’ve binged the last three seasons of 90 Day Fiancé and re-watched Game of Thrones and can sing every last lyric of Frozen 2. You’d make an actual Margarita but let’s face it, you’re beyond fried and miss Target with the force of a thousand suns! It’s “Apocalypse Now”!!!! You might even start drinking Aguaradiente!
One day you’ll re-enter society, shave those legs again and remember that your actions have saved the lives of thousands. Until then, be sure to stock up and while you’re at it, pick up a few ingredients for The Quarantine, a cocktail my friend Katharine Weislak created just for us in The Hive.
3oz Orange Juice
2oz Gin (Plymouth is recommended)
1.5oz Domaine de Canton (Ginger Liqueur)
.5oz Fresh Lemon Juice
Shake in a shaker full of ice and strain.