It’s been a lifetime of dreaming, wishing, hoping, and planning and it’s finally here…the Big Day! Every little girl has dreamed of this moment, the day of all days! NOTHING can prepare you for the rollercoaster of stress, joy and emotions you’re about to face. All you know is you need to be perfect, and all your fantasies had better come to fruition! So, no pressure, right?
As a veteran bride I can say from experience that you need a little help to get you through the rollercoaster of your wedding day and this is when the libations come to the rescue! Spirits were created to be enjoyed in moments of celebration and enjoyment and what better time than this? So, for all you soon to be brides looking for a little guidance, or insight, please read through this roadmap to the glorious insanity of future ending day!
The Bride:
9am: Yay! This is such an amazing day, and your best friends are all here with you at 9am for hair and makeup even though the wedding isn’t until 5pm! Let’s just start off with some coffee and fruit so you don’t get bloated.
9:30am: Your bridesmaids are almost all here (except for your younger sister…the one who was drunk at the rehearsal dinner) but it’s all good, she’ll be here soon. You can just use a little Baileys for creamer to take the edge off.
10:30am: Time for mimosas! It’s also totally fine to eat a croissant with your fruit…otherwise you’re going to pass out…because your sister still isn’t here, and you’ve had two coffees with Baileys.
11:30am: She’s here! Wait, is that a hickey?! Ok, let’s just drink a bit of straight champagne.
1:30pm: We’re halfway done with hair and makeup but where’s your mother?! Did she refuse to use the GPS…again?! Thank God your mother-in-law got her own glam squad because there is only enough champagne to go around.
2pm: Yay! Mom is finally here…and she’s somehow blaming her tardiness on you…even though you’ve been there for hours…a mimosa with a vodka floater sounds about perfect right now.
3:30pm: You should probably drink some water or some of that Lime La Croix…with a splash of vodka in it. It’s definitely more hydrating than juice!
4pm-5pm: You’re now just drinking straight vodka from the freezer. The reality and stress of the event have officially taken over and will accept nothing less. Once these group pics are done you can finally move on to the main event!
5pm-12am: There are no longer any rules just try not to spill any dark liquors on your dress. It’s your friggin’ day!!!
Bridal Party:
9am-10am: Oh my god, it’s so fun to have to wake up so early after partying all night after the rehearsal dinner. Yay. Let’s just go straight for the Bailey’s creamer in your coffee to keep the party going.
10am-2pm: Between the bride’s final moments of panic, her missing sister (who honestly did nothing to plan the bachelorette or shower) and your need to continue drinking for fear of a true hangover it’s time for mimosas! Juice counts as breakfast, right? Someone please pour the bride some straight champagne because she’s getting on everyone’s last nerve!
2pm-3:30pm: Ok, it’s time to pace yourselves so maybe just drink a little lime La Croix for the time being…Oh look at that, a little vodka fell in Crazy how that happens.
4pm-5pm: Since the bride seems to have consumed all the extra vodka it looks like you need to sneak over to the Groom’s suite for some tequila. Your hair and makeup are on point but you’re going to need a little assistance to make it through the hour of pre-wedding photos with all the family drama going around.
5pm-12am: There are no longer any rules just try not to spill any dark liquors on your dress. Your bridal duties are finally complete and you’re free to become a hot mess!
Mothers of the Bride and Groom:
9am-12pm: This isn’t your first rodeo and youneed to keep it together because your either love your new in-law and want to remember this amazing day or you need to stay sober to keep yourself from saying something crazy in public.
12pm-5pm: Ok, maybe it’s time for a little champagne or a little wine. It’s your child’s big day and you need to celebrate! Let’s just make sure to stay hydrated for this marathon of photos, handshakes, kisses and crying.
5pm-12am: There are no longer any rules just try not to spill any dark liquors on your dress. Whether you love your new in-law or not the future is now sealed so it’s time to raise your glass and embrace the night!
Groom and Groom’s Men:
9am-5pm: You’re men and it’s the most important day in your/your friend’s life so what do you drink? There are only two acceptable answers: Bourbon or Single Malt Whiskey. That’s it. I can’t fully explain why but them’s the rules. Someone seems to have brought a bottle of tequila but you never touch it. Even if you don’t normally enjoy either of these drinks on their own in your regular life you will happily consume them on this day.
5pm-12am: There are no longer any rules just try not to spill any dark liquors on your shirt. The Groom’s Men are now relieved of their extremely relaxed duties and the Groom can now move on to the best part: The Honeymoon!
At the end of the day, your wedding day is one of the most important days in your life and since we’re all human we tend to deal with the stress that comes along with it indifferent ways. I’d like to personally thank alcohol for getting me through the stress of my special day with only slight scathing of my friends and family. I believe that their own consumption of alcohol that day helped to maintain a much more favorable memory of my behavior on that day.
