2020, you are such a turd. I’m not even going to get into it with you right now. I feel your grim track record speaks for itself as my social media feed reminds me on a daily basis. Deaths, fires, racism, hurricanes, viruses, floods, conspiracies, more deaths, more fires, more racism, and what on earth happened to those freaky murder hornets? Have they been accounted for?!
In a nation that currently stands so deeply divided on so many fundamental issues I think there’s one thing we can all agree on: this year has absolutely zero chill. None. It’s become the one-upper in the group that always has to have some extra disaster brewing just so it can feel more special than the other years—what a problem child.
With that being said, I’m a firm believer that laughter is always the best medicine, so it’s only right that we take a moment to poke fun at this incredible dumpster fire of a year and it’s many contributing aggravators. Let’s take a deep dive into comedy here as we roast authors of one of the worst years in American history.
Natural disasters, you’re the first on my list! Of all the years you could choose to show off, you chose now. We should’ve known bad things were on the horizon when the year started off with a volcano explosion, but then came earthquakes, tropical storms, hurricanes, flooding, and now these insane wildfires! Girl, you need to download a meditation app and reign it in a bit because we have enough to deal with out here as it is. I’m looking at you Atlantic Ocean. Quit churning out insanity because this Greek alphabet is preposterous!
Oh Home School, you horrible witch. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the rug got completely pulled out from all our feet last spring, you showed up and kicked us in the gut while we were down. Here we all are, working from our dining room tables with a barrage of throw pillows shoved under our butts and backs for our dying posture and next to us are…our children. Yes, we’ve been forced to mix two of the biggest stressors in our lives together and it is not pretty. There are crayons and charger cables everywhere! For those of you still trucking along with your kiddos at home, I absolutely salute you and your commitment to health and safety. As for me, I consumed many daytime whiskies this past year while teaching my toddler sight words and am so pleased to pack her off in the minivan again each morning.
Pumpkin Spice, this is not the year. You have officially taken over Trader Joe’s and are making things weird. Pumpkin Mole Burrito. Pumpkin Mac-n-Cheese. Pumpkin Pretzels. Pumpkin Blondies. Pumpkin Chips. Pumpkin Poo-Pourri! I did discover this amazing Pumpkin Spice Brioche that makes the most amazing French Toast, and oh my autumn, I’m turning into one of them! Someone please stop me before I start strolling down Old Cutler with a plaid infinity scarf and a double foam latte in my hand!!!!!
People who announce cutting ties with anyone who disagrees with their political views on social media, let’s talk. Can we all just take a moment and consider the notion that we can have different points of view and still get along. So many of us have become guilty of accusing others of having a lower intellect just because they have opposing political views. To be fair, we’re all a bunch of dummies and use social media to repost a dude skating around with a bottle of Ocean Spray. Let’s just mute each other for a bit until the current climate blows over. Hopefully someday we’ll able to share TikTok videos of Taylor Swift wannabes with people of all beliefs in the future.
OMG, QAnon video forwards, enough! I do not have the time to fall into your rabbit hole with all these crayons and charger cables on my dining table!
College Kids, do you even love your grandma? You need to wear a mask and chill! Look, I know it seems unfair that you don’t get to run around and party like the rest of us did, but we also got to run wild in a more innocent and lawless world, so your college fun won’t really be that great anyway.
Ok, I want to see all you deniers in a big group now. Let’s see the Anti-maskers, Racism Deniers, Climate Change Deniers, and College Kids need to sit tight again. I have just one word for you: SCIENCE.
Local politicians, what’s going on here? I believe we can all agree this year has been an incredible “arroz con mango” (look it up because I can’t even begin to explain it), but why on earth were the strip clubs open before the playgrounds? Aren’t strip clubs just dirtier playgrounds?!
Celebrities, please stop making stupid collaboration videos. First, you all tried to sing Imagine back in March; then we had to watch that uncomfortable table read of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (so many men with fillers) and how you’re all getting naked to get us to vote? Umm, can I cast a vote for these videos to stop? You guys really need to go back to work.
Finally, where the hell are the freaking Murder Hornets?! Did you get eaten by those locusts?! Did you take over the Atlantic and bring us into this Greek system?! Like everything else in 2020, you make absolutely no sense! ????????♀